Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Internalized Homophobia?

I love Shane. He's intelligent and calm. When I am erratic, moody or prissy, it is always nice to talk with Shane even for few minutes. He has a blog of his own at However, he mentioned something on his blog earlier in the week which I brought it up -- he commented, "It is internalized homophobia, you have to route it out."

I was set back by what he said. The more I think about it, he is right. I have an internalized homophobia. You see, when I get sick, I immediately get worked up and wondered if it is the one I dread all along -- HIV/AIDS. I do not like it -- yes, I get tested routinely but it still makes me paranoid. You never know. And Shane said it is internalized homophobia.

You see, internalized homophobia occured when a person that gets the message that considered gay sex to be wrong. That gay sex is associated with HIV/AIDS. That gay sex is bad. More of when one grew up with the notion of the message -- it hindered a healthy relationship between this particular person with anyone else in particular. I grew up having to deal with my parents, misguided educators, misguided preachers and misguided conservatives who went out so hard to define what I feel is bad, is always bad.

So when I get sick, I get worked up, assuming that this is the one that I will get it. But the reality is that today, I still combat the internalized homophobia. It's all inside my mind and soul. Like Shane said, "You have to route it out," and I have to find a way or something to route it out. Any suggestions?

Oh, by the way, Shane, sorry about the bird thing. It happened to me when I was in San Francisco. God, I was horrified, mortified and embarrassed.

Last night, I saw a cute guy. He stared at me like a cat on a mouse. He introduced himself. I stared at him. He's Martin. From Johannesburg, South Africa. Has six abs. Asked him if he chose wrong person? He laughed and shook his head and pointed at my chest to confirm that it is me he is after.

We chatted. He's smart fella. A professor at UVa. Umm. Small world because I am quite fond of UVa. He got a solid body. He mentioned that he played rugby. Oooo. I mentioned that I got a soft body. He nodded and said, "That's why I... [pointed his finger at my chest]."

Ok, ok. I get it. He is young, but his eyes reminded me of Ed Harris. Hot. Very hot. He mentioned that he got out of a long-term relationship and realized that he does not believe in heteronormative relationship any longer.

Heteronormative? Oh, one that imitates heterosexual behaviors.

Whatever works for him. And me. Suffice to say, I had a good time with Martin. It is rare that I get to meet and chat with intelligent guy with common sense.


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