"I No Longer ... "

My cousin forwarded me this e-mail that I enjoyed it tremendously few months ago and was going to post it on my blog eventually. I am always annoyed when people send me the chain emails. These stuff that said, "You must send it to 5 people or you'll have bad luck for the rest of your life." That really made me roll my eyes all the time, then click the "delete" to flush it down the toilet. But it always came back with many stupid ideas. You try to flush them all, it comes back for more.

So when my cousin Mary sent this to me, I grinned. This is cool e-mail. Enjoy.

R-

* * *

To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy by sending me your chain letters over the last year.

Because of your concern:

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer golf since alligators will swallow you whole.

I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer pump my own gas for fear of being pricked by a needle also infected with AIDS.

I no longer use my Budweiser Frogs screen saver because it is actually a virus.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.

I no longer park in parking lots because some one will assault me and steal my car.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have a cell phone but that will change once I receive my new Ericcson phone.

I no longer have any sneakers but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about to die in the hospital for the 1,000th time.

I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me since I participated in their special e-mail program.

I want to thank all of you soooooooo much!! for looking out for me! Now, if you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon.